heartless

Now it's just 2 days before Christmas... and i'm leaving back home tomorrow... i wonder what should i do there... sigh* 

i remember a short conversation between me n Al... when he asked me why i'm not excited to be back home... i told him that i have nothing to do there other than meeting friends... i've been back home for few times before and i was disappointed... why? people around me are always excited when they know i'm going to see them... but, at the time comes,they're busy, they have no time to see me... n it's always me who put efforts to meet them... sigh*

Al told me "people are happy to know there's somebody looking for them"... Yeah... TRUE... the fact is, i'm sick of looking for people... am i selfish if i wish people (or at least my friends) to look for me??? not always me looking for them??? (Mn told me this few weeks ago too, and now it's me facing this case)

Stupid guys in the world... i wonder what do they eat and learn these days... it's not only the numbers of guys on earth are decreasing, but also the QUALITIES... a short statement of John Gray said "Men do not say the words they don't mean"... i doubt that now... when most of the guys around me start to talk sh*t to me... They know what's happening to me these days, but still asking "how are ya with that guy??? have you dated him??" or telling me "sorry for replying late, i'm going to drink/smoke" or any other annoying statements and questions... LAME!! CHILDISH!! (call me heartless for this, coz YES, I AM HEARTLESS) 

Dj told me, sometimes guys do that to the girls they like... yeah... sometimes... NOT EVERY TIME!! It makes me sick... So, do not blame me for ignoring all those... I had enough... sigh*

one more thing, DO NOT be mad if i'm not replying ur texts as fast as u expect, i have my own things to do as well... 

sorry for being so mad here... i'm seriously sick of the things i mentioned above... enough for this morning, i need to prepare myself for the last working day of this year...

-Jezz

21 Guns

Actually, i'm not really sure about what i should type here this morning... I hate it when i always wake up so early in weekends... also, hate for not being able to wake up early in weekdays... sigh*

Well, talking bout these days activities... nothing is really happened... day by day passed quickly, even faster than i expected... and now i'm just a week away from my Christmas holiday... guess what, i'm not excited at all bout being back home now... don't ask me why, myself doesn't know it as well... what excites me is only knowing that i don't need to office during my holiday... 

Music is another thing i want to mention here... these days i'm addicted to download songs, just to complete my iTunes library... believe it or not, the songs i listen to in the morning (especially when i drive to office) effect my whole day mood... n i hate love songs in the morning... they're too slow and sad... lol...

I'm now practicing to play Greenday - 21 Guns with my piano... almost done with that, i just need to add some more tones to make it better... this song keeps repeating on my mind, though i know it doesn't remind me of anything... i just love it... =D

"Do you know what's worth fighting for? When it's not worth dying for? Does it take your breath away and you feel yourself suffocating? Does the pain weigh out the pride? And you look for place to hide? Did someone break your heart inside? You're in ruins... One, 21 guns... Lay down your arms, give up the fight... One, 21 guns... Throw up your arms into the sky, you and i...."

Ah yeah... i forget to mention bout last weekend... it was the most tiring weekend i ever had... I went for bowling competition (or should i mention it as a tournament?) on Saturday morning with my colleagues and went karaoke after that... that was fun, when i didn't need to pay for anything (free stuffs are always nice, aren't they??)... 15 mins before i finish karaoke, Av called me for dinner, so i just met him up... Sunday morning, i drove to Cikarang to see Mk... then we spent whole day together, singing and talking... i dragged my bro to join too when we went for dinner... Meeting good friends is always nice, especially those you don't used to see everyday... =D

Enough for this morning... though there're still things on my mind i want to type about... 

I'm going to spend few minutes (or even hours) playing piano to heal myself... XD

-Jezz

Clavinova

Good morning readers... I went to bed earlier last night, so now i'm awake - before my alarm ring... it's a bit too early, but at least i could get few minutes to update my blog... early in the morning is the best time for me to express my thoughts, when my brain is still fresh - not contaminated with any new problems of the day yet...


End of 2009... it's getting greater and greater for me... as my goals are completed.... YES!! I got everything i planned to get this year... though i got them one by one, but still... I GOT IT ALL... I got my orange lacoste bag... I got my red longchamp bag... I got my ipod touch... and I got my clavinova (thanks a lot mom for choosing that one for me, coz i was just asking for a cheaper one - it's a CLP, not a CVP)... once again, thank you mom... for understanding me, that i really want to be able to play piano (though there are many things i still need to learn bout piano)... =D
So now, i'm setting my next targets... which are:
- to quit using transpose in playing any song (i think i might start from Canon in D, not in C anymore)
- to travel to somewhere next year with my own savings
- to add some more songs to my recording lists
- to finish reading my books
- to enjoy every second given by God to me to spend
- to be happy with all i have


a short SMS i sent last night before i went to bed:
"when you see the wide sky and sea in front of you, you have to know that we're just small creatures on this earth who could enjoy the entire space created by God for us... Life is good though it isn't easy... You're not alone.. You have HIM with you, and now i am with you..."
Life is good when you know how to make it good... if you dunno, i'll try to show you... =)


-Jezz

consistency

There are times in life when you find good good days are ruined by people who're not supposed to appear in your life... That's life, full of surprises... When you, Jo... told me how hard the troubles i have to face and how helpful are my posts in this blog for you... i felt glad, because what i shared here could be useful for you... though we dun share much to each other, i can understand when you start to swear about that unexpected person about how annoying she is... i just can tell you... let them be... we (you and me) are educated enough for not bitching about what they're doing... remember what i told you before... this time, she might feel that she won from you... but, as the time passed... she would just envy you for what you've gained... she got him and you got your pride...

"People are people and sometimes we change our minds" - Breathe (Taylor Swift & Colbie Caillat)

i mentioned about "being sure in making decisions is extremely important" before... especially when the decisions we made have the effect to people around us... i understand how easy to change our minds when we see better ways to walk on... but, i think about that again... changing my mind is as easy as changing my and others' lives... so, it might seem like i'm running away from the risks i supposed to take when i suddenly change my mind because i'm too scared to face them... i dun wanna be like that... i have to be brave to face every single risk from the decisions i've made... to do what i've said... i'm not gonna be a loser for not doing the things i said i'm going to do... words that are said can't be taken back... and remember, people judge you from the consistency between the words you said and things you do... Consistency... that word... i remember Dn told me how important it is in this life... how we might lose chances & people we love only because of being inconsistent... once again, i dun wanna live that way...
most people ask questions to make sure others' consistencies/assurances toward them without knowing bout their owns (people - including me - want security in everything)... i don't think this is fair enough... why do we have to ask others' assurances while we're still doubting ourselves??? scared?? well yeah... sigh*.... i do know how important security is... and if we're scared of something insecure, why don't we try to secure it??? look back at ourselves, try to assure everything and start to secure the importances... life's just once and no one knows when it would end...
i'm giving my best for today... so i won't regret if tomorrow never comes...


-Jezz

freedom to express

I had a long talk with Mr yesterday afternoon... discussing about life styles, friendship, relationship, etc... i rarely talk to you, Mr... but i was happy when u told me that i'm still the same person as before (in the way i treat my friends), still the one who's close to you, still the one who's being trusted by you... another thing you told me as well, that how my life style has changed... and it's so much different from before... ya... i admit that... people changed, including me... but, no matter how my life style is... i'm still myself... a friend of yours... =D


"well i guess my meaning lies beneath what i left unsaid...", i quoted that from Dj's Facebook status... i do agree with that... that's what i found in me, where it's really hard for me to express how i feel in words... it takes me 4ever just to say "i miss you" to someone i really miss... that's hard to say out things when i do mean it... i wasn't be like this before... i remember how someone could easily say those "sweet words" to me in the last 2 years and ended up cheating on me... and that makes me believe that words are meaningless when they're easily said...
deep inside, there's a part of me thirsting for freedom to shout out loud what i'm feeling inside... free to say "i miss you" to the people i miss... free to say "i love you" to the one i love... free to say "i hate you, so go away from my life" to those i hate... 


i remember last night when i was crying in front of my vaio and i only had you to talk with, Dj... i told you how tired i am coz of random things happened... and finally, i could tell you how did i feel before about this friendship... selfless... you mentioned it as that... =) but, i told you as well, that i'm glad now... when people i do care about start to count me in their "best friend" lists... Thx Dj, for being there talking to me so tears could be changed to laughs... 


a song on my mind... Way Back Into Love - Hugh Grant & Drew Barrymore
"I've been living with the shadow overhead... I've been sleeping with a cloud above my bed... I've been lonely for so long, trapped in the past, I just can't seem to move on... I've been hiding all my hopes and dreams away... Just in case i ever need them again someday... I've been setting aside time to clear a little space in the corners of my mind... All i wanna do is find a way back into love... I can't make it through without a way back into love... There're moments when i don't know how if it's real or if anybody feels the way i feel... I need inspiration, not just another negotiation..."


-Jezz

approval...

I'll just type a quick one this morning... Though of typing it yesterday, but my mood was too bad to type...
Nothing really happened these days... except those boring hours i spent in the office waiting for the internet to be connected again (i call speedy for complain EVERYDAY and i can tell that the customer services are sick of hearing my name mentioned whenever i call)... 
There's a good thing... i talked to my senior yesterday about x-mas & new year leave... 24 Dec 09 to 03 Jan 09... and it's APPROVED!!! n now i'm counting down... i seriously need a long break to go out of this city... and i'm going back home FOR SURE.... can't waitttttttt!!!!


Mk... u're going to have your summer break soon... it's nice to talk many things to you... well, we didn't talk much these days... u're busy with assignments... Distinctions are okay... but, try to get better next semester.. Like me, always expect for a HD for everything... (this perfectionist jess... >,<) hahahaha.... i miss you and melbourne, anyway... =D (remember how i would scream at you if u said u're not going to coles with me) LOL!!! Will see you soon this January... make sure you have some spare time to see me... okay??? Have a great summer break...


Dj... sorry for not cheering you up last night... *hug* my mood wasn't good as well... will talk to you soon, okay?? take care, buddy... everything's gonna be alrite... 


Av... who's not gonna read this... good luck for everything... hahaha... u're just having too many things to do at once... well, try to manage your time better, make sure you have enough rest everyday... if there's sumthing stressing you out, text me... Kay?? u know u always have a place to scream... XD


HM... who's just 9 days aways from her flight... good luck for the exams!!!


Pyon... Thx for the thoughts you share... I felt so much better after i talked to you yesterday... =)


Done... I'm rushing.... 
-Jezz


P.S. i love some small surprises i got from u... ^^

...the opposite...

November!!!! Ya, it's already November.... means the end of the year is coming... I remember what i said (and what i believe) when i was really down in the beginning of this year... the beginning of 2009 was really hard... everything would be fine in the mid 2009... and by the end of 2009, everything would be GREAT!! I keep believing in that, n see... IT COMES TRUE!!! So, i can say... believe in ourselves... when we believe that we can get things done as well as we want it to be, we would twist our minds to think the ways to make it happen... =D

When i went to visit Av last week (he was so sick that time)... He lent me a book and forced me to read it... so, i brought that book home... a really good book, i might buy one for myself... 

there're some things from the book i want to share... here they are:

"It's not because you are making the wrong decisions, it's because you are making the right ones. We try to make sensible decisions based on the facts in front of us. The problem with making sensible decisions is that so is everyone else."

"I wish means: wouldn't it be nice if.... if you always make the right decision, the safe decision, the one most people make, you will be the same as everyone else. Always wishing life was different."

"I want means: if i want enough i will get it. Getting what you want means making the decisions you need to make to get what you want. Not the decisions those around you think you should make. Making the safe decision is dull, predictable and leads nowhere new. The unsafe decision causes you to think and respond in a way you hadn't thought of. and the thought will lead to other thought which will help you achieve what you want. Start taking bad decisions and it will take you to a place where others only dream of being."

"it's better to regret what you have done than what you haven't."

"There is only 1 person who can determine the shape of your life... YOU... who are you going to be??"

"If you want to know how your life is going to turn out, you just have to know where u're heading."

"too many people spend too much time trying to perfect something before they actually do it. Instead of waiting for perfection, run with what you've got, and fix it as you go."

"How you present yourself is how others will value you"

and "whatever you think, think the opposite..."

we live for today... the future depends on what we're doing today...

-Jezz