Irreplaceable...

Irreplaceable...
That's d word i wanna talk about this time...


On the way to office this saturday, i saw an accident...
a man was hit by a truck and died... the dead body was still there when i passed the road...
I was thinking... The man who died knows nothing, i mean, he's just gone...
But the family left will be so depressed to get sumthing like this happened to them...
Losing one of their relatives/siblings/friends/etc...


Sometimes, we don't appreciate people around us...
And at the end, we regret everything when they're gone...
No matter who they are... parents, brother/sister, friends, boy/girlfriend, fiance, husband/wife, or whoever...
There's just 1 him/her in this life... in this world...
Even when we found another person to replace someone who's gone, he/she's still a different person...
No matter how alike they are...


So...
Everyone is irreplaceable...
No matter how good or bad you are... or how hopeless you are...
YOU DO MEAN SOMETHING FOR PEOPLE AROUND YOU...
and for God who created you... =)


Today's quote:
"The worst thing u can be is not being yourself..."


-Jezz

a month....

It have been a month since that day, F...
and i found myself doing really well now... ^^
Got a job (although salary isn't high) and busy days come like it has no end...
At least, it's a good start for my new life in indo now...
This morning, i suddenly thought about you...
Remembering all the time we've spent together... n smile... =)

Thinking about you, F...
wondering how's ur relationship with her going... *sigh...
Jealous?? yeah... of course... haha..
i dun wanna lie to myself if it's only because of high prestige (like what u do mostly)...
i remember when i told you bout what i've achieved, u said u dun wanna talk about it...
why not??? i never wished to be big headed to you or to show off...
I'm just telling you the truth that i'm proud of being myself...
then u just sidestep... can i guess why???
MAYBE... n just maybe...
u feel/think that u're nothing compared to me...
i could say that coz u ever told me "i'm not appropiate for you..." or "i'm not good enough for you..." few times, not only once...
yeah... different from before (i used to say NO to those statements), this time... i will say YES...
as a girl, i found myself is much tougher than you, mate...
then if u say u're just a loser, it's ABSOLUTELY YES, YOU ARE...
it's not i wanna talk sumthing rude/bad about u, F...
i feel that u're having such a high prestige (even too high) and it makes you stand on the same point with no progress... u even can't reach what u want coz of that silly prestige...
i'm just saying... n again, it's just a MAYBE...
u're d one who knows everything about urself...
then, just tell me if that high prestige can lead you to what u wish to reach... =)

Al, seems u're having a nice break til it's hard to find a time to talk.. hahaha...
i hope everything is going well with you... Hv a nice break, mate... ^^

Av, u're just too busy.... hahahaha... need some times to meet up and talk... i hv many many things to talk to you... bring ur cad to me lah, i'll help as i can.. =p

Ir, dun be mad to me of writing sumthing about F again in my blog... LOL... hope u'll get the shoes soon... n enjoy famous amous... hahaha... i miss it too, gotta get some when i go to Sency... it's damn expensive here... T_____T Gud luck with all ur assignment... ^^

Mk... miss me?? LOL... haha.... i've updated my blog as u requested... =p i think i need to ask you to get me some medicines from there, including that shitty lemon panadol... T______T
srsly hate d taste, but it's good for flu... hahaha.... how's d amazing race?? i want to join.. but can't.... *sigh... i hope i can spend more time in melbourne as i wish, but fact's saying NO.. so, what can i do?? just walk on... hahaha... gud luck with ur stuff there too... =p

I just went to get some paint test pods for my new house... kinda excited... coz i hvn't got my own room here... counting down to move out... yayyyyy....

today's quote:
" so forget your past and we can dream tomorrow... there's so much to lose, yet so much more to gain..."

-Jezz

...missing...

It's been almost 3 weeks since the latest time i heard ur voice, F....
Nothing changed... still sweet as before... ^^
What i'm thinking now is "why should i call you before??"...
just to let u know that i get a job???
n u told me that u're at her place... *sigh*
i thought i'l be fine with ur new relationship now...
but, it's just hurt me whenever i get to know about it...
Silly... n once again... i shouldn't have called u before... =(

I talked again to u just now... i felt weird...
the way we talk is just too different from before...
same voice, same person, different way....
seems u're busy... good luck for everything then... =)
i always wish all the best for u, F...

as u gave me a song that represents my feeling before...
Here is a song for you, which is representing ur feeling (maybe)...
Demi Waktu - Ungu
Aku yang tak pernah bisa lupakan dirinya
Yang kini hadir diantara kita
Namun ku juga takkan bisa menepis bayangmu
Yang slama ini temani hidupku
Maafkan aku menduakan cintamu
Berat rasa hatiku tinggalkan dirinya
Dan demi waktu yang bergulir di sampingmu
Maafkanlah diriku sepenuh hatimu
Seandainya bila ku bisa memilih
Kalau saja waktu itu ku tak jumpa dirinya
Mungkin semua tak kan seperti ini
Dirimu dan dirinya kini ada di hatiku
Membawa aku dalam kehancuran


-----

Al, seems we dun hv much time to talk these days... hahaha... gud luck for ur midterm n assignments... i believe that u can do ur best n pass anything... haha... u should be waiting for spring break... =)

Av, thx for ur time accompanying me last monday.. haha... i did hv lotz of fun with u... =D
thking bout ur words... n wondering... how come u know excactly how i am... LOL... remembering ur words before, about "time will tell"... i can feel it now... the truth came out one by one... n it made everything just clearer than before... Thx for ur advice n stuff, mate... =)

It's just my 5th day in Indo after i left Melbourne... n it feels like i've left for months or even years...
I'm missing the time i've spent in Melbourne so much.. T___T

Believing... that everything gonna be alrite... it's just the matter of time...
be strong... be tough...

-Jezz

Leaving...

This is my second day in Indo after i left Melbourne...
When tears are still dropping from my eyes...
I dunno why, but that's true...
Melbourne has became a place that really hard to leave...
But, what can i say... coz i already left...

Few hours chat with Ir n Mk last nite... made me think a lot...
I never felt this sad before....
This's what i thought during the few hours chat...

"Life is sumwhat unfair...
when the person u're running to and wishing to be with never wished to be with you...
While there're some other people who really wish to be with u, but u never thought about them...
when u do anything for someone, he/she never appreciated what u've done...
While someone else is wishing to do anything for you...
when u care about someone who never cared about you...
while someone else really cares about you and u never felt that..."

Silly.. Isn't it??
but, that's life....

-Jezz

Learning from a missing part...

I told L that I won't write anything about u anymore, F...
But, i dunno why, i just can't stand it if i have to keep everything inside myself....
I bet u know that really well...

I'm doing really well here, F....
U don't need to worry that i will destroy myself... Coz i will never do that...
I'm trying to gain some weight... LOL... =) You know that u've been a part of myself, F....
To be honest, sometimes, i feel really stiff...
feeling that sumthing is missing...
Yeah... a part of myself is missing....
and this feeling is just annoying... it makes me feel empty...

Looking around my room...
It looks empty now, where i'm almost done with my packing...
There're just my laptop, some bottles of perfume and the snow globe with 2 angels inside left on my desk...
I saw the dried roses from you, thinking should i bring it home or just throw it away...
Like d song i posted in my previous post...
Everything around me only reminds me of you, F....
and when i look at them, i just smile...
Remembering how happy i was when we were still together... =)
I miss you... really miss you... After all, in my life i learn....
* Saya belajar,
Bahwa saya tidak dapat memaksa orang lain mencintai saya. Saya hanya dapat melakukan sesuatu untuk orang yang saya cintai...
* Saya belajar,
Bahwa butuh waktu bertahun-tahun untuk membangun kepercayaan dan hanya beberapa detik saja untuk menghancurkannya...
* Saya belajar,
Bahwa orang yang saya kira adalah orang yang jahat, justru adalah orang yang membangkitkan semangat hidup saya kembali serta orang yang begitu perhatian pada saya....
* Saya belajar,
Bahwa sahabat terbaik bersama saya dapat melakukan banyak hal dan kami selalu
memiliki waktu terbaik....
* Saya belajar,
Bahwa persahabatan sejati senantiasa bertumbuh walau dipisahkan oleh jarak yang
jauh. Beberapa diantaranya melahirkan cinta sejati...
* Saya belajar,
Bahwa jika seseorang tidak menunjukkan perhatian seperti yang saya inginkan, bukan
berarti bahwa dia tidak mencintai saya....
* Saya belajar,
Bahwa sebaik-baiknya pasangan itu, mereka pasti pernah melukai perasaan saya dan
untuk itu saya harus memaafkannya......
* Saya belajar,
Bahwa saya harus belajar mengampuni diri sendiri dan orang lain, kalau tidak mau
dikuasai perasaan bersalah terus menerus....
* Saya belajar,
Bahwa tidak masalah berapa buruknya patah hati itu, dunia tidak pernah berhenti
hanya gara-gara kesedihan saya...
* Saya belajar,
Bahwa saya tidak dapat merubah orang yg saya sayangi, tapi semua itu tergantung dari
diri mereka sendiri....
* Saya belajar,
Bahwa lingkungan dapat mempengaruhi pribadi saya, tapi saya harus bertanggung jawab untuk apa yang saya telah lakukan....
* Saya belajar,
Bahwa dua manusia dapat melihat sebuah benda, tapi kadang dari sudut pandang yang
berbeda....
* Saya belajar,
Bahwa tidaklah penting apa yang saya miliki, tapi yang penting adalah siapa saya ini
sebenarnya....
* Saya belajar,
Bahwa tidak ada yang instant atau serba cepat di dunia ini, semua butuh proses dan
pertumbuhan, kecuali saya ingin sakit hati....
* Saya belajar,
Bahwa saya harus memilih apakah menguasai sikap dan emosi atau sikap dan emosi itu
yang menguasai diri saya...
* Saya belajar,
Bahwa saya punya hak untuk marah, tetapi itu bukan berarti saya harus benci dan
berlaku bengis....
* Saya belajar,
Bahwa kata-kata manis tanpa tindakan adalah saat perpisahan dengan orang yang saya
cintai...
* Saya belajar,
Bahwa orang-orang yang saya kasihi justru sering diambil segera dari kehidupan
saya.... 

I hope u're doing well there, F...
Good luck for everything... n i always wish all the best for you.. =)
I love you, F.... always....

-Jezz

It's just the matter of time...

Seems it've been few days after my lastest post...
Keep thinking about all the thing happened in the past between u and me, F....
I realized many things about myself after that thought...
I was too selfish and possessive to you before, and i just realized that after i read our chat archives...
and even when u've forgiven me and gave me another chance,
I was still like that... selfish and possessive...

When i talked to Av, he told me sumthing like this...
"we've been close friends for quite a long time, then do you know why i never had a crush on u?"
and he answered "coz u're too tough jess... u can handle anything by urself... that makes me feel u never needed me, coz i just listen to u all the time, n i dun need to do anything else... just listening..."
this words made me think a whole night...
n i connected it to your email before, F...
when u told me that everything is because i'm not beside you... u just can listen to me, without having any ability to do something... just listen that everything happen n finish by itself...
i remember u told me this: "now i never felt that u need me anymore..."
was it all like that?? i just knew this all few days ago, n kept thinking...
Maybe true... I used to be by myself since years ago... even when i have a boyfriend, i never be by his side, coz of the distance...

As i always said before... It's just too late to realize everything...
I'm sorry, F... really sorry for everything i've done to you before...
Now i know how hurt u were before becoz of me...
I didn't use the chance u gave to think and look at myself...
What's happening to me now... i assume it as a punishment for me...
a punishment for not using the chance u gave to change my bad behaviours...
a punishment for hurting you a lot...
a punishment for me to realize all my fault...
I know a word "sorry" doesn't mean anything now, but that's the only word I can say to you...

After few days of thought, I kept talking to Av....
He said "How long will u keep thinking about what've happened... I think it's enough, coz now u realize how were you before... Then now, stop thinking about that, n think bout what you should do next... coz, everyday u keep talking d same thing, and after hours of talk, we still get 1 same answer... that time will tell everything... now u just need to face the truth and think how to improve urself n be a better person..."
U're right, Av... Dunno how come i could be that silly... LOL...
Thank's a lot, Av...

And F....
here i wrote down some words u ever said to me...
"there's still 1 more chance for you, but not at this time... it will be at our relationship later, when you can realize everything and change urself... u know, my heart is always open for you..." (Sept '08)
-------
"I trust my feeling that i love you... n i trust u that u love me... I believe that for me, there'll be noone can replace u... n i believe there'll be noone can replace myself in you... Everything that we've passed together... Happiness, sadness, laughters, lies and mistakes... everything... It's all because we're just weak people who're full of mistakes... n just our LOVE is strong... and only in this love we can be happy... It's all because of you... U're my sunshine after the rain... now and till the time i die... u're the only true love for me... sarang hae..." (Jan '09)
-------
Everything between you and me is over now, F....
But I believe the love we have is still in our hearts.... in your heart and mine...
Now, I'm on my way to be a better person...
and the road i'm walking on now is different from you...
But, I hope... one day, this 2 different roads will have a meeting point...
and i can show you that i can be much better than before... =)
i dunno when'll that time be.... I surely believe that sooner or later, that time will come...
It's all just the matter of time... =)

anw F...
I miss you a lot... since we never talked after we broke up...
n u know... I always love you, F....

Al... Don't ever said that u're not a good friend for me only because u dun have time.. LOL...
U're always be my bestfriend, no matter how busy you are.. as you can see, i'm doing well... nothing to worry... =) good luck for everything there... talk to me anytime u need, alrite???
(seems we just see each others' blogs everytime.. LOL)


Today's Quote: "Ketika ku percaya, mukjizat itu nyata...." ^^

-Jezz