31 dec 09

Now it’s really the end of 2009... Before i start to type more, i wanna wish everyone MERRY CHRISTMAS (though it’s too late)... another year has passed... many things happened within this 365 days... Thank to God, who has made my belief comes true this year... i have a really great yearend (though i will just stay at ir’s place to watch movies together with dj)...

Here’s my Christmas-new year break story:

My flight to Ptk is on the 24^th of Dec 6.10 PM... went to airport around 4.40 and arrived there at 5... when i saw the check in desk, there’s a note there saying that the flight would be at 7 pm... and i asked the lady there, whether it’s delayed... she said, it’s the scheduled being moved... well, okay... 7pm wouldn’t be that bad... done with the check in, i looked at the flight schedule screen to know where’s the waiting room for the 5pm flight (Al took that flight) so i could find him... and guess what, the schedule shown wasn’t updated... it just showed the morning flights schedules, and it was 5 pm... wondered what’s the point of showing that passed flight schedules... then, i went upstair to the waiting room, and look at another screen... n there was it... his flight was delayed as well, so i got time to see him... i walked around the waiting room, looked at left and right... n i couldn’t find him... n thought “he’s not here??”... then i turned my body, and he was there... standing right in front of me and said “Jess”...  surprised... and i just gave him a hug... that’s him, after 2 years since the latest time i met him... after that, we just talked with his sister as well... after they boarded the aircraft, i went to my waiting room... it was so crowded there, and i couldn’t find a seat to sit (people put their stuffs on the chairs, sigh*)... so, i just find a good spot and sit on the floor while waiting to board... (ah yeah, my flight was delayed till 8 pm – i hate indo’s domestic airline)... at the end, i arrived ptk around 10 pm... Ir and her family picked me up at the airport...

I got into my house and found no one was there (except my maids)... i felt weird... this house used to be crowded before... and now, it’s only me... so, i just showered and went to bed... Christmas morning, i called jm for breakfast... so, he came and picked me up then he drove to pick dj as well... spending xmas with going to karaoke (ir joined us as well)... and went to church at the evening... meeting some old friends at dinner time, talked a bit and went home... Tell ya the truth, how boring it is to be here... seriously, i had nothing to do here... we went for karaoke again at the 26^th coz we found we got nothing else to do...

27^th – 29^th of Dec, Al was here spending time together with me, dj, ir and jm... we went to watch “sang pemimpi”... it was a good movie to watch (especially for Indonesian movie)... and again, karaoke... LOL... there’s no place to go other than mall, karaoke and friends’ houses here... i can say that it’s really nice and happy to stay close to your good friends who are used to be far away from you... seriously, i am happy... the only disappointing thing is: limited time we had... i wish i could spend more time together...

A song on my mind: Two Is Better Than One – Boys Like Girls ft. Taylor Swift

I remember what you wore on the first day
You came into my life and I thought
"Hey, you know, this could be something"
'Cause everything you do and words you say
You know that it all takes my breath away
And now I'm left with nothing
So maybe it's true
That I can't live without you
Maybe two is better than one
There's so much time
To figure out the rest of my life
And you thought that it got me coming undone
And I'm thinking two is better than one
I remember every look upon your face
The way you roll your eyes
The way you taste
You make it hard for breathing
'Cause when I close my eyes and drift away
I think of you and everything's okay
I'm finally now believing

Maybe it's true
That I can't live without you
Maybe two is better than one
There's so much time
To figure out the rest of my life
And you thought that it got me coming undone
And I'm thinking
I can't live without you
'Cause, baby, two is better than one
There's so much time
To figure out the rest of my life
But I'll figure it out
When all is said and done
Two is better than one

Lastly for this year... try to believe in yourself, coz everything would turn out the way you want it if you do believe... the beginning of 2009 was hard... mid 2009 was okay... and the end of 2009 is really GREAT... i got everything that i want and i got you...

Wishing that 2010 will be a better year for everyone... =)

-Jezz

heartless

Now it's just 2 days before Christmas... and i'm leaving back home tomorrow... i wonder what should i do there... sigh* 

i remember a short conversation between me n Al... when he asked me why i'm not excited to be back home... i told him that i have nothing to do there other than meeting friends... i've been back home for few times before and i was disappointed... why? people around me are always excited when they know i'm going to see them... but, at the time comes,they're busy, they have no time to see me... n it's always me who put efforts to meet them... sigh*

Al told me "people are happy to know there's somebody looking for them"... Yeah... TRUE... the fact is, i'm sick of looking for people... am i selfish if i wish people (or at least my friends) to look for me??? not always me looking for them??? (Mn told me this few weeks ago too, and now it's me facing this case)

Stupid guys in the world... i wonder what do they eat and learn these days... it's not only the numbers of guys on earth are decreasing, but also the QUALITIES... a short statement of John Gray said "Men do not say the words they don't mean"... i doubt that now... when most of the guys around me start to talk sh*t to me... They know what's happening to me these days, but still asking "how are ya with that guy??? have you dated him??" or telling me "sorry for replying late, i'm going to drink/smoke" or any other annoying statements and questions... LAME!! CHILDISH!! (call me heartless for this, coz YES, I AM HEARTLESS) 

Dj told me, sometimes guys do that to the girls they like... yeah... sometimes... NOT EVERY TIME!! It makes me sick... So, do not blame me for ignoring all those... I had enough... sigh*

one more thing, DO NOT be mad if i'm not replying ur texts as fast as u expect, i have my own things to do as well... 

sorry for being so mad here... i'm seriously sick of the things i mentioned above... enough for this morning, i need to prepare myself for the last working day of this year...

-Jezz

21 Guns

Actually, i'm not really sure about what i should type here this morning... I hate it when i always wake up so early in weekends... also, hate for not being able to wake up early in weekdays... sigh*

Well, talking bout these days activities... nothing is really happened... day by day passed quickly, even faster than i expected... and now i'm just a week away from my Christmas holiday... guess what, i'm not excited at all bout being back home now... don't ask me why, myself doesn't know it as well... what excites me is only knowing that i don't need to office during my holiday... 

Music is another thing i want to mention here... these days i'm addicted to download songs, just to complete my iTunes library... believe it or not, the songs i listen to in the morning (especially when i drive to office) effect my whole day mood... n i hate love songs in the morning... they're too slow and sad... lol...

I'm now practicing to play Greenday - 21 Guns with my piano... almost done with that, i just need to add some more tones to make it better... this song keeps repeating on my mind, though i know it doesn't remind me of anything... i just love it... =D

"Do you know what's worth fighting for? When it's not worth dying for? Does it take your breath away and you feel yourself suffocating? Does the pain weigh out the pride? And you look for place to hide? Did someone break your heart inside? You're in ruins... One, 21 guns... Lay down your arms, give up the fight... One, 21 guns... Throw up your arms into the sky, you and i...."

Ah yeah... i forget to mention bout last weekend... it was the most tiring weekend i ever had... I went for bowling competition (or should i mention it as a tournament?) on Saturday morning with my colleagues and went karaoke after that... that was fun, when i didn't need to pay for anything (free stuffs are always nice, aren't they??)... 15 mins before i finish karaoke, Av called me for dinner, so i just met him up... Sunday morning, i drove to Cikarang to see Mk... then we spent whole day together, singing and talking... i dragged my bro to join too when we went for dinner... Meeting good friends is always nice, especially those you don't used to see everyday... =D

Enough for this morning... though there're still things on my mind i want to type about... 

I'm going to spend few minutes (or even hours) playing piano to heal myself... XD

-Jezz

Clavinova

Good morning readers... I went to bed earlier last night, so now i'm awake - before my alarm ring... it's a bit too early, but at least i could get few minutes to update my blog... early in the morning is the best time for me to express my thoughts, when my brain is still fresh - not contaminated with any new problems of the day yet...


End of 2009... it's getting greater and greater for me... as my goals are completed.... YES!! I got everything i planned to get this year... though i got them one by one, but still... I GOT IT ALL... I got my orange lacoste bag... I got my red longchamp bag... I got my ipod touch... and I got my clavinova (thanks a lot mom for choosing that one for me, coz i was just asking for a cheaper one - it's a CLP, not a CVP)... once again, thank you mom... for understanding me, that i really want to be able to play piano (though there are many things i still need to learn bout piano)... =D
So now, i'm setting my next targets... which are:
- to quit using transpose in playing any song (i think i might start from Canon in D, not in C anymore)
- to travel to somewhere next year with my own savings
- to add some more songs to my recording lists
- to finish reading my books
- to enjoy every second given by God to me to spend
- to be happy with all i have


a short SMS i sent last night before i went to bed:
"when you see the wide sky and sea in front of you, you have to know that we're just small creatures on this earth who could enjoy the entire space created by God for us... Life is good though it isn't easy... You're not alone.. You have HIM with you, and now i am with you..."
Life is good when you know how to make it good... if you dunno, i'll try to show you... =)


-Jezz

consistency

There are times in life when you find good good days are ruined by people who're not supposed to appear in your life... That's life, full of surprises... When you, Jo... told me how hard the troubles i have to face and how helpful are my posts in this blog for you... i felt glad, because what i shared here could be useful for you... though we dun share much to each other, i can understand when you start to swear about that unexpected person about how annoying she is... i just can tell you... let them be... we (you and me) are educated enough for not bitching about what they're doing... remember what i told you before... this time, she might feel that she won from you... but, as the time passed... she would just envy you for what you've gained... she got him and you got your pride...

"People are people and sometimes we change our minds" - Breathe (Taylor Swift & Colbie Caillat)

i mentioned about "being sure in making decisions is extremely important" before... especially when the decisions we made have the effect to people around us... i understand how easy to change our minds when we see better ways to walk on... but, i think about that again... changing my mind is as easy as changing my and others' lives... so, it might seem like i'm running away from the risks i supposed to take when i suddenly change my mind because i'm too scared to face them... i dun wanna be like that... i have to be brave to face every single risk from the decisions i've made... to do what i've said... i'm not gonna be a loser for not doing the things i said i'm going to do... words that are said can't be taken back... and remember, people judge you from the consistency between the words you said and things you do... Consistency... that word... i remember Dn told me how important it is in this life... how we might lose chances & people we love only because of being inconsistent... once again, i dun wanna live that way...
most people ask questions to make sure others' consistencies/assurances toward them without knowing bout their owns (people - including me - want security in everything)... i don't think this is fair enough... why do we have to ask others' assurances while we're still doubting ourselves??? scared?? well yeah... sigh*.... i do know how important security is... and if we're scared of something insecure, why don't we try to secure it??? look back at ourselves, try to assure everything and start to secure the importances... life's just once and no one knows when it would end...
i'm giving my best for today... so i won't regret if tomorrow never comes...


-Jezz

freedom to express

I had a long talk with Mr yesterday afternoon... discussing about life styles, friendship, relationship, etc... i rarely talk to you, Mr... but i was happy when u told me that i'm still the same person as before (in the way i treat my friends), still the one who's close to you, still the one who's being trusted by you... another thing you told me as well, that how my life style has changed... and it's so much different from before... ya... i admit that... people changed, including me... but, no matter how my life style is... i'm still myself... a friend of yours... =D


"well i guess my meaning lies beneath what i left unsaid...", i quoted that from Dj's Facebook status... i do agree with that... that's what i found in me, where it's really hard for me to express how i feel in words... it takes me 4ever just to say "i miss you" to someone i really miss... that's hard to say out things when i do mean it... i wasn't be like this before... i remember how someone could easily say those "sweet words" to me in the last 2 years and ended up cheating on me... and that makes me believe that words are meaningless when they're easily said...
deep inside, there's a part of me thirsting for freedom to shout out loud what i'm feeling inside... free to say "i miss you" to the people i miss... free to say "i love you" to the one i love... free to say "i hate you, so go away from my life" to those i hate... 


i remember last night when i was crying in front of my vaio and i only had you to talk with, Dj... i told you how tired i am coz of random things happened... and finally, i could tell you how did i feel before about this friendship... selfless... you mentioned it as that... =) but, i told you as well, that i'm glad now... when people i do care about start to count me in their "best friend" lists... Thx Dj, for being there talking to me so tears could be changed to laughs... 


a song on my mind... Way Back Into Love - Hugh Grant & Drew Barrymore
"I've been living with the shadow overhead... I've been sleeping with a cloud above my bed... I've been lonely for so long, trapped in the past, I just can't seem to move on... I've been hiding all my hopes and dreams away... Just in case i ever need them again someday... I've been setting aside time to clear a little space in the corners of my mind... All i wanna do is find a way back into love... I can't make it through without a way back into love... There're moments when i don't know how if it's real or if anybody feels the way i feel... I need inspiration, not just another negotiation..."


-Jezz

approval...

I'll just type a quick one this morning... Though of typing it yesterday, but my mood was too bad to type...
Nothing really happened these days... except those boring hours i spent in the office waiting for the internet to be connected again (i call speedy for complain EVERYDAY and i can tell that the customer services are sick of hearing my name mentioned whenever i call)... 
There's a good thing... i talked to my senior yesterday about x-mas & new year leave... 24 Dec 09 to 03 Jan 09... and it's APPROVED!!! n now i'm counting down... i seriously need a long break to go out of this city... and i'm going back home FOR SURE.... can't waitttttttt!!!!


Mk... u're going to have your summer break soon... it's nice to talk many things to you... well, we didn't talk much these days... u're busy with assignments... Distinctions are okay... but, try to get better next semester.. Like me, always expect for a HD for everything... (this perfectionist jess... >,<) hahahaha.... i miss you and melbourne, anyway... =D (remember how i would scream at you if u said u're not going to coles with me) LOL!!! Will see you soon this January... make sure you have some spare time to see me... okay??? Have a great summer break...


Dj... sorry for not cheering you up last night... *hug* my mood wasn't good as well... will talk to you soon, okay?? take care, buddy... everything's gonna be alrite... 


Av... who's not gonna read this... good luck for everything... hahaha... u're just having too many things to do at once... well, try to manage your time better, make sure you have enough rest everyday... if there's sumthing stressing you out, text me... Kay?? u know u always have a place to scream... XD


HM... who's just 9 days aways from her flight... good luck for the exams!!!


Pyon... Thx for the thoughts you share... I felt so much better after i talked to you yesterday... =)


Done... I'm rushing.... 
-Jezz


P.S. i love some small surprises i got from u... ^^

...the opposite...

November!!!! Ya, it's already November.... means the end of the year is coming... I remember what i said (and what i believe) when i was really down in the beginning of this year... the beginning of 2009 was really hard... everything would be fine in the mid 2009... and by the end of 2009, everything would be GREAT!! I keep believing in that, n see... IT COMES TRUE!!! So, i can say... believe in ourselves... when we believe that we can get things done as well as we want it to be, we would twist our minds to think the ways to make it happen... =D

When i went to visit Av last week (he was so sick that time)... He lent me a book and forced me to read it... so, i brought that book home... a really good book, i might buy one for myself... 

there're some things from the book i want to share... here they are:

"It's not because you are making the wrong decisions, it's because you are making the right ones. We try to make sensible decisions based on the facts in front of us. The problem with making sensible decisions is that so is everyone else."

"I wish means: wouldn't it be nice if.... if you always make the right decision, the safe decision, the one most people make, you will be the same as everyone else. Always wishing life was different."

"I want means: if i want enough i will get it. Getting what you want means making the decisions you need to make to get what you want. Not the decisions those around you think you should make. Making the safe decision is dull, predictable and leads nowhere new. The unsafe decision causes you to think and respond in a way you hadn't thought of. and the thought will lead to other thought which will help you achieve what you want. Start taking bad decisions and it will take you to a place where others only dream of being."

"it's better to regret what you have done than what you haven't."

"There is only 1 person who can determine the shape of your life... YOU... who are you going to be??"

"If you want to know how your life is going to turn out, you just have to know where u're heading."

"too many people spend too much time trying to perfect something before they actually do it. Instead of waiting for perfection, run with what you've got, and fix it as you go."

"How you present yourself is how others will value you"

and "whatever you think, think the opposite..."

we live for today... the future depends on what we're doing today...

-Jezz

[04:53 a.m]

I mentioned about changing point of view and the way of thinking before... i did train myself to do that and i think i done it well... but, when things really happened, it's hard.... really hard.... I do know what i exactly need to do... but a part of me doesn't want to accept what've happened and keeps blaming... Hmm, ya... after all, i'm still a human who also has selfishness... who can't always think about others because i have myself to think about too...

After so many thoughts, i wonder who i really am??? 

People told me that i'm just a way too tough... ya... i admit that... i know how high the protection i've put on myself so i won't get hurt easily... and now i'm tired to protect myself, remembering how much energy i've put on it... i am tired... but giving up isn't a way to solve this because i don't wanna let myself to be hurt anymore (i know how painful it could be)...

Maturity... do i really have that??? or the better question is "am i mature enough??" IDK... i dun have the answer with me... what i'm thinking now is... if only i could avoid maturity... so i could be more selfish... but, the fact.... i could not... sigh*

... and who am i to judge you from what you say or do??? ....

-Jezz


P.S. I could see how do you feel behind the songs you're listening to... 

1.2.3.4

Being sure for every decision made is extremely important... Words that are said cannot be taken back... 
On my way back home, i listened to a random Indonesian song... the lyrics was talking about doubting something... Then i thought a while whether it is true or not... It said doubt comes at last, after a decision made... it doesn't come at the beginning... it's not about doubting other people, but it's about doubting ourselves... 
I can't remember well, but the lyrics is prolly like this: "i doubt myself after i chose you... i doubt my feeling after i know i love you... bla bla bla...."
There are some sweet moments i spent with you... also moments when we were both busy with our own minds because we started to see things are getting more complicated... I guess, you've came out with the best solution... coz i was thinking the same way before... and we better stop before everything gets more and more complicated... I'm not regretting the answer i've given to you... I did think and consider that a lot before answering you... please don't be sorry... i do understand every single thing u're feeling... 
When you asked me whether you've hurt me or not... It's a no... i hope you know me well enough to understand the way i think... =)
I hate it when it's really hard for me to word things out, as i'm not really good at wording... i might choose wrong words which are not really expressing the things on my mind... and again... dun be sorry... you done nothing wrong... and lastly, there's only 1 way 2 say that 3 words 4 u... the words i've never mentioned to you before... I love you...


-Jezz

the track

It's my break time and i just had my lunch... means, i just have another 34 minutes to type things out from my mind... My brain is about to explode as there are to many things & thoughts to handle at once...


I do believe there are things out of my control... Things that might make me out of my track... 
I feel lost these days... my mood changes so fast and sudden... i avoid people talking to me... 
Mk told me this must be a "turning point" that i have to face... time when i have to open my mind and see what's real out there... time to realize things i didn't realize before... time to re-set the track... time to retreat myself...
Thousands of thoughts are on my mind... i might need some time to tide up my messy mind.. 
There are things i still need to learn to face this life journey, to be a better me... 
Plans are easy to set, but sometimes they're hard to be done...
Believing that there's nothing non-risky in this life, caused difficulties in making decisions...
and here i am... getting ready to face bigger things... setting up new track... making sure about the decisions made... and.... being prepared to take the risks....


-Jezz

nightmare [updated]

I found there is something wrong in me... seriously, i feel scared every time it passes my mind... it's not something scary actually nor something hurting, but still... my heart beats fast and i do feel scared, really scared... It's a shadow of a place i have been before... memories of what i have been done... n i dunno what i have to do...
I didn't really care about this "nightmare" before, but as the days passed, it appeared almost all the time... sigh*


Anyway, i just realized there is another thing wrong in me besides the nightmare...  It's me, myself, who suddenly doesn't want to talk to anyone in a period of time... i called it as my "anti-social mood"... don't ask me why, because i also can't tell out the reasons... at the other times, i could over talk about something to people and did regret after that... sigh*
I still need to learn many things in this life, especially in words control (i guess)... i should know how to set the limit of words to be told... n i'm learning... 


-Jezz

uniform

There is one more thought in my mind i haven't shared... finally i have a free time to type it out here... 

a long long talk about related topic this afternoon makes me keep thinking about that whole day...

back to few years ago, at the time we were still staying in the same school, wearing same uniform, studying same things... we all had 1 same purpose, to enjoy the high school life and to graduate... we did look the same in the uniform we were wearing and we did require same things in our lives...

BUT...........

as we grew up... as we chose different paths to walk on... as we are separated away... as we learn different things... as we are not longer wearing the same uniform... the differences are clearer than before... 

I can see friends are becoming far far away from me, not because of the distance, but because of different principals of life, different point of views as we're now living in different environments where we all have to adapt ourselves in... things we experienced might changed the way we look at something... It might also change the qualities we're requiring from other people (might be friends or partner or etc)... it's called as "personal standard" or "personal qualities"... the higher you set your own standard, the higher qualities you would require from people around you...

This simply happens to me... it's not i'm picky in choosing friends... i'm just kind of tired of being someone who is relied by others till i don't really know how does it feel like to rely on someone... i could say that i'm independent enough, so am i selfish for requiring someone who's at least as independent as me to be my friend or someone close to me?? so both of us do not need to rely on each others but still can share thoughts???

IDK... I'll try to find out the answer...

today's quote:

知足者常乐...

(being satisfied with what we've gained is a source of happiness)

-Jezz

My Indonesia

Let ya know, it's 1.40 am when i start typing my blog... i do complain about waking up in the mid night during weekdays, but i dun mind if it's on weekend because i found that mid night time is an inspirational time for me to express things out from my mind... =D


Okay... thinking which part of my thoughts i'm going to tell here... hmm... maybe about this country... i would like to call it "My Indonesia, Things I love and hate about this country"...
At the beginning of my study in Melbourne before, people asked about my nationality (of course, because i'm an international student)... i asked them to take a guess.. i listed out their answers: Chinese/ Singaporean/ Malaysian/ Taiwanese... I dunno how those answer came... maybe because of my look (i dun think i look that oriental), my english accent (i can't really remember how's my english accent before, some said it's like singlish - though i never felt talking in that way), or maybe because i speak chinese as well... actually, i dun really care about that, i just told them that i'm Indonesian (not really proud of saying that)...
Start from things I love about Indo then... firstly... Indo is my hometown, no doubt for that... Families and friends are here... ^^ hmm, this multi-cultural country has a lot of good food... Yes yes yes... I love eating without being scared of gaining weight... lalala... then, of course, there are many public holidays here... hahaha, i love that!!! another thing, i found myself as a lucky girl here, i dun need to do cleaning stuffs (you can hire maid without worrying about how much you have to pay, their salary is quite low), dun need to run for public transport (i drive here and keep complaining about how heavy the traffic jam could be), etc... anyway, i can say that Indo has many smart people compared to other countries (agree with me??? i realized this when i was overseas, Indonesian students are almost always smarter than others)... ah yeah, another thing, i bet almost all people around the world know MIE GORENG... LOL!!!!! This's good and i'm proud of that... =p well, i stop here, thinking what're any other reason to love this country... i would type them later if i find it... (see?? i'm not a good citizen, i can't even mention why should i love this country).............


Continue with things i hate (i bet it'll gonna be a long list)...
1. Indonesian people dunno how to queue... (i dun need to explain anything about this, u guys know it)
2. This country is not safe... (means, if u wanna be safe, do not bring anything out because you have to take a good care of them with full of attention - locking yourself in the house doesn't guarantee that u're gonna be safe as well)...
3. The space between the riches and poor is too far... seems like there is a rule here saying that the riches are going to be richer and the poor are going to be poorer.. yes, it happened here... (somewhat unfair from my point of view)
4. The number of uneducated people is higher than the educated ones... this links to point #2 i mentioned above... i heard so many people saying "when will indo be like singapore or japan or any other coutries?"... if i have a chance to answer, i would say "never, if the number of uneducated people is still high"... i'm imagining IF (and only IF) Indo has MRT system, it would surely be dirty (as most Indonesians think that everywhere is their rubbish bin - they throw rubbish everywhere), not safe, and other bad factors (i dun dare to mention all, too many)...
5. Indonesian people's hobby is watching anything they can watch... sigh* when a disaster happened in a certain place, that place might be full of people watching what's happening there... once again, watching!!! not helping... and they would say "i feel sorry for them"... WTH!! i wonder what's the point of saying that.. sympathy?? your words are just useless if you have no action to help...
6. I'm not saying all, but most people here don't know how to appreciate other people... if you live here in Indonesia, you might experienced it more than once... 
7. corruption... the funds are never 100% delivered... (i dun need to explain about this, people know it)
8. and some more....


Well, i'm not saying this country is really bad... the things i mentioned above are just some "opinions" (i better call it complains) about the country i'm staying in now... There are still a lot of things need to be improved... 
i really wish one day i could proudly say that I'm Indonesian (i can do it now, but sometimes i still feel shame for those stuffs i mentioned)... I was born here, grew up here, and i wish i could be really proud of being an Indonesian... 
If we're, Indonesians, do not start to build this country to be more advance... when will we be proud of our own country???


"... Indonesia pusaka... Indonesia tercinta... Nusa bangsa dan bahasa kita bela bersama...."


-Jezz

Airport early in the morning

I went to airport at 4.30 this morning with my bro to send my parents.. they're going back to hometown...
Dark still covered the sky and the airport light were still turned on... I would say, i love this sensation.. it's been a while since the latest time i saw that kind of view and felt that sensation... it was at the time i went to Melbourne airport for flying back to Indo (i always take mid night flight) - march 2009...


Anw, i'm not going to office today.. having flu, almost fever... i think it might because of my unwell condition before + my killing insomnia these few nights... but, it's good to have a day to rest at home since there is nothing to do at the office as well...


Alright, i have no more to type (i do have, but seems it's hard to type long words in the morning - i prefer to type them when the sky's still dark)..
Have a good day everyone... =D


-Jezz 

insomnia!!

Aaaaarrrgggghhhh...

What's happening to me??!!! @#&@(*&$)@

It's been a week i keep being like this... i sleep early (not that early, it's around 10 or 11) and wake up in the mid night... sigh* sigh* sigh* (stop complaining Jess!!!)

I seriously need my beauty sleep which i could wake up early in the morning (EARLY IN THE MORNING, not early at mid night >,<)... another SIGH*

Okay... enough for complaining... i got some thoughts on my mind that i haven't shared out... i dun think i'm going to type it all out at once here... i'll take this one first...

a serious talk between Dj, Al and me... (in different conversation - i can't really talk much serious things in conference - i'm the one who always lost)

i spent yesterday morning-noon keeping silent in front of my computer at the office (well, i'm quite free this week since China is having their national holiday - no report to do)... Thinking about limitations we're having... Dj & Al, i know both of you are trying to make things work, planning for a better ways (i'm not included in your conversation about this - i knew it from one on one conversation)... and seems everything isn't as easy as it's said and isn't as easy as it's planned... we tried to help each others, but this limitations of ours do not allow us to do more... i know i'm doing quite well here in Jakarta and there is no such reason to complain about what i'm having now... but still, i really wish i could be there (wherever you guys are) and do things together so life can be easier... though i can't help much, at least u're not alone (if my existence around you is good enough)...

Al & Dj... 3 of us are separated in 3 different continents before (and now it's 3 different countries in 2 continents)... we experience different things that make our lives seems much harder than the passed 4 years (when we were all still staying in a same town, studying the same things)... but, don't two of you realize, this complicated lives make us stay even closer than before though we're faraway, forced us to open up our minds to be wider??? i know we can't do much things now, remembering the limitations we have, but be sure, one day, we'll make it... i trained myself to look at something in a different way, then try to believe there will be an AWESOME factor in every worst condition we're having... it just depends on ourselves, how do we look at it, how do we think about it, and how do we face it... then there will be a way out... 

I just wanna share to you what i'm thinking about here, because i don't think i can say it out well during the conversation we usually have... Al & Dj, believe in yourselves... If i can trust the two of you, why can't you guys trust your own selves and abilities???

I love you and I miss you, guys... i'm looking forward too see both of you by the end of this year... =D

"...as we go on, we remember all the times we had together... and as our lives change from whatever, we will still be friends forever..."

-Jezz

how a friend supposed to be??

i don't really understand what do others think about how a friendship supposed to be...
to be honest, sometimes i feel really really (or i can say extremely) disappointed with those who i assume as my best friends... it seems like i'm always be the one who has the initiate to contact them first, put them on priority... and found they never searched for me if i'm not searching for them... on the other hand, i feel like i'm being left behind (some of them got new friends around them & almost got no time for me - maybe they think that i'm boring, coz i can't really catch what they used to talk about - hell yea, i just live in this city for 6 months with no friends around me, so how to know what they've been up to)...
i tried to look back at myself... about the way i treat my friends... i do have new friends... but, do i leave all the old friends behind??? do i stop contacting my old friends??? i'm busy with my work... n just have my weekend to hang out... then, sometimes i ask a friend to go out with me just for lunch and talk... means, i'm not forgetting my friends...   if i complain that they're too busy to talk to me, am i selfish?? coz i'm busy as well, but i still set some times to talk to my friends, though i have to stay late at night... 
IDK how important is myself for you... 
IDK whether i'm a good friend or not...
and please tell me how a friend supposed to be??? 


-Jezz

...randomize...

"what is that sad looking your eyes? why are you crying? tell me now, tell me now, tell me why are you feeling this way... I hate to see you so down..."

"I might not beside you everyday... i may ran out of tender words to say... can't promise you the world..."
"it's only words and words are all i have to take your heart away..."

"fly me up to where you are beyond this distant star.. i wish upon tonight to see you smile... if only for awhile to know you're there... a breath away's not far to where you are..."

"but if i let you go, how will i ever know what my life would be holding you close to me? will i ever see you smiling back at me?? how will i know if i let you go?"

"how can i be smiling when you're gone?"

"so tell that someone that you love just what you're thinking of if tomorrow never comes..."

"if you just realize what i've just realized..."

"there's something in the way you look at me..."

"for every minute of this life that i'm breathing, until there's nothing in this life i can believe in... as long there's a single part of you that needs me..."

"I'll be there to comfort you... build my world of dreams around you..."

above are just some random lyrics i arranged... not perfect yet, remembering it's Monday 2:45 am now.. i tried to sleep, but it's useless... so, i just do whatever i can do here, hoping that my eyes will be closed and my brain stops working soon, so i can just sleep... 

i can't really explain why did i arrange those lyrics, coz myself doesn't know as well.... i think i'm going to add some more there later to make it better... ^^

Reference:

- Tell Me Where It Hurts (MYMP)

- For Everything I Am (Christian Bautista)
- Words (Boyzone)

- To Where You Are (Josh Groban)
- If I Let You Go (Westlife)

- Say It Isn't So (Gareth Gates)

- If Tomorrow Never Comes (Ronan Keating)

- Realize (Colbie Caillat)

- The Way You Look At Me (Christian Bautista)

- Completely (Christian Bautista)

- I'll Be There (Jackson Five)

at last...

"and I'm so sick of love songs..." (So Sick - Ne Yo)

-Jezz