It's just the matter of time...

Seems it've been few days after my lastest post...
Keep thinking about all the thing happened in the past between u and me, F....
I realized many things about myself after that thought...
I was too selfish and possessive to you before, and i just realized that after i read our chat archives...
and even when u've forgiven me and gave me another chance,
I was still like that... selfish and possessive...

When i talked to Av, he told me sumthing like this...
"we've been close friends for quite a long time, then do you know why i never had a crush on u?"
and he answered "coz u're too tough jess... u can handle anything by urself... that makes me feel u never needed me, coz i just listen to u all the time, n i dun need to do anything else... just listening..."
this words made me think a whole night...
n i connected it to your email before, F...
when u told me that everything is because i'm not beside you... u just can listen to me, without having any ability to do something... just listen that everything happen n finish by itself...
i remember u told me this: "now i never felt that u need me anymore..."
was it all like that?? i just knew this all few days ago, n kept thinking...
Maybe true... I used to be by myself since years ago... even when i have a boyfriend, i never be by his side, coz of the distance...

As i always said before... It's just too late to realize everything...
I'm sorry, F... really sorry for everything i've done to you before...
Now i know how hurt u were before becoz of me...
I didn't use the chance u gave to think and look at myself...
What's happening to me now... i assume it as a punishment for me...
a punishment for not using the chance u gave to change my bad behaviours...
a punishment for hurting you a lot...
a punishment for me to realize all my fault...
I know a word "sorry" doesn't mean anything now, but that's the only word I can say to you...

After few days of thought, I kept talking to Av....
He said "How long will u keep thinking about what've happened... I think it's enough, coz now u realize how were you before... Then now, stop thinking about that, n think bout what you should do next... coz, everyday u keep talking d same thing, and after hours of talk, we still get 1 same answer... that time will tell everything... now u just need to face the truth and think how to improve urself n be a better person..."
U're right, Av... Dunno how come i could be that silly... LOL...
Thank's a lot, Av...

And F....
here i wrote down some words u ever said to me...
"there's still 1 more chance for you, but not at this time... it will be at our relationship later, when you can realize everything and change urself... u know, my heart is always open for you..." (Sept '08)
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"I trust my feeling that i love you... n i trust u that u love me... I believe that for me, there'll be noone can replace u... n i believe there'll be noone can replace myself in you... Everything that we've passed together... Happiness, sadness, laughters, lies and mistakes... everything... It's all because we're just weak people who're full of mistakes... n just our LOVE is strong... and only in this love we can be happy... It's all because of you... U're my sunshine after the rain... now and till the time i die... u're the only true love for me... sarang hae..." (Jan '09)
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Everything between you and me is over now, F....
But I believe the love we have is still in our hearts.... in your heart and mine...
Now, I'm on my way to be a better person...
and the road i'm walking on now is different from you...
But, I hope... one day, this 2 different roads will have a meeting point...
and i can show you that i can be much better than before... =)
i dunno when'll that time be.... I surely believe that sooner or later, that time will come...
It's all just the matter of time... =)

anw F...
I miss you a lot... since we never talked after we broke up...
n u know... I always love you, F....

Al... Don't ever said that u're not a good friend for me only because u dun have time.. LOL...
U're always be my bestfriend, no matter how busy you are.. as you can see, i'm doing well... nothing to worry... =) good luck for everything there... talk to me anytime u need, alrite???
(seems we just see each others' blogs everytime.. LOL)


Today's Quote: "Ketika ku percaya, mukjizat itu nyata...." ^^

-Jezz