one THING to THINK

It's been few days since the lastest time we talked, F...
and surely, I miss you so much...

If u're reading this, I just wanna ask some of your time to think...
Although everything has happened,
but I still want you to think what I'm writing here...

U're the one who created a condition like now, till i gave you up...
U told me every fault u've made... Till i hate you and let you go...
I just wanna ask you 1 thing about this...
n please think slowly and carefully, F...
Is it really what you want?? Is it really what you wish to happen??
The only one who knows the answer is you, F...

You told your An, "No matter who's beside me now, there's only Jess in my heart..."
and you asked me to trust that...
Till now, I do still trust that words...

Then please, think about the question i asked you before...
I believe, once u get the answer, u'll know what you should do....
Think about it, F....

U know that I always love you....
Always...

-Jezz

Leaving the memories...

Now here... staying in my room...
A room with all the memories we have, F...
I remember i moved to this room exactly at the day u asked me to be ur girlfriend...
When everything is started...

I always sit in front of my laptop like what i'm doing now, waiting for you to sign in ur msgr.. so we could talk...
Turned on my webcam, so u could see me... n u always asked me to smile... =)
Smiled by myself when i saw you from your webcam...

Spent hours and hours on the phone talking to you...
Shared everything with you...

Almost 1.5 years staying in this room...
and now i just have around 1 week to pack all my stuff and send it back home...
Leaving the memories...
The roses u gave me for my 20th bday are still there, at the same place i put it...
Dried and brown...
The music globe from you is still on my desk...
U told me, the angel inside the globe looks like me...
The rosary you gave is here... on my hand...
I'm still using it everyday for my prayer...
My 1st rosary... from you... with the notes "a rosary for you, dear... dun forget to pray..."
I dunno why...
Everything around me just reminds me about you... you... and you...
You.... F... the only one i really love....
The one who's gone from my life...

Remember the letter i wrote to you, telling you the reason why I'm leaving Melbourne...
When you asked me, i told you that's not the only reason..
You said if I'm leaving only becoz of you, I better stay here...
But, i explained everything to you... that u're not the only reason...
u said, "u can say like that, but sometimes it's just not d same with your thoughts..."
Again... You do really know myself...
From the 1st time i knew you... I just want to be with you, near you...
Not staying far away from you... from the one i really love, the one i can feel really comfort with...
I don't think i can do the same thing like i did last year... Left you in the airport, without knowing when would we meet again... I can't...
Sorry for the lies i told you about that...
And as i promised to you... Even we're no longer together, i won't blame you for my decision to leave Melbourne... and I won't regret it at all...
I just listen to my heart...
I never done anything for you, F....
and u did a lot to me... U fought and did everything only for me, for us...
Then now, i tried to do sumthing for you...
But, everyone knows... It's too late...
Not regretting, coz I do feel Melbourne isn't the place i used to be anymore...

5days I'm here...
Gonna say thank to Vs, specially Mk and Ad...
Time runs fast... Spending 2 years with Ad and 1 year with Mk in Melbourne...
My very best friends... The best housemates i ever had...
I'm gonna miss you, guys...

Now i just wanna enjoy the last 1 week i have in Melbourne...
a place when my real life started... a place where my dream was...

a promise to myself... and to you, F....
I'll be a better person....

-Jezz

Only One Love...

I just got home n i found an sms on my mobile...
Telling that u're leaving an offline msg for me...

U gave me a link... link to a song....
which u said, that song represents all my feeling...

A song... By Nindy....
Cinta Cuma Satu
Telah aku maafkan
Semua kesalahanmu
Asal kau mau berjanji
Tidak mengulangnya lagi
Telah aku terima
Sakitnya dikhianati
Sedalam cintaku ini
Selama hidupku ini
Hatiku cuma ada satu
Sudah untuk mencintaimu
Tolong jangan sakiti lagi
Nanti aku bisa mati
Cintaku cuma sama kamu
Sayangku cuma untuk kamu
Tolong jangan hancurkan lagi
Nanti aku bisa mati

Then u said sorry to me...
And i told u... all the time....
Enough for saying sorry... Coz even before u say sorry to me, i always forgive u...
Forgiving is a part of loving...
and i always do that, coz I love you... =)
That song... exactly tells everything bout my feeling...
Thank you, for understanding what I'm feeling...
for being the one who really knows me...
There's noone knows me better than u, F...
And i told this to you as well...
Let me be the only one who got and felt all of this pain...
No matter who's being with u now...
or who you will be with later...
Dun let her get and feel the pain i'm feeling now...
Keep Smiling, F....
Coz u look really good when u're smiling... =)

-Jezz

Only Reminds Me Of You

I see you, beside me
It's only a dream
A vision of what used to be
The laughter, the sorrow
Pictures in time
Fading to memories

How could I ever let you go
Is it too late to let you know
I tried to run from your side
But each place I hide
It only reminds me of you
When i turn out all the lights
Even the night
It only reminds me of you

I needed my freedom
That's what I've thought
But I was a fool to believe
My heart lied while you cried
Rivers of tears
But I was too blind to see

Everything we've been through before Now it means so much more

I tried to run from your side
But each place I hide
It only reminds me of you
When I turn out all the light
Even the night
It only reminds me of you

Only you…
So come back to me
I'm down on my knees
Boy can't you see…
How could I ever let you go
Is it too late to let you know
I tried to run from your side
But each place I hide
It only reminds me of you
When I turn out all the lights
Even the night
It only reminds me of you
You, You,
It only reminds me of you...

My Apology...

I dunno when will u read my post, F...
But, I have no place to write all my feeling after i've given the book for u...

I just text u this early morning, for my apology..
Realizing that what u've said to me is all correct...
that myself can't really change my behavior if there'll always a chance for me...
And i just realized everything, after i got no more chance...
regrets always come at last...
n u're right, F... It's too late for me to change everything now...
Coz now i have no more chance to be with u anymore...
and i got to know that noone knows me better than u...

I did lots and lots of mistakes to u before....
Mistakes that I never realized before... till this thing happened to me...
I'm sorry... really sorry...
I dun wanna regret for those all... Let them be an important part of my life...
I thank you for making me like this, so i can look at myself more...
n I'm trying to think that this's d only way for me to change myself to be better...
Thank you so much, F...
For really knowing and understanding me... =)

As I always tell you....
U'll always be in my heart... F...

-Jezz

Heart Like A Wheel

This is just a song lyircs... By The Corrs... HEART LIKE A WHEEL.. Some say the heart is just like a wheel
When you bend it you can't mend it
And my love for you is like a sinking ship
My heart is on that ship out in mid-ocean

They say that death is a tragedy
It comes once and then it's over
But my one only wish is for that deep dark abyss
For what's the use of living with no true lover

And it's only love and it's only love
That can break a human being
and turn him inside out
That can break a human being
and turn him inside out

When harm is done no love can be won
I know it happens frequently
What I can't understand please
God hold my hand
Is why it should have happened to me

And it's only love and it's only love
That can break a human being
and turn him inside out
That can break a human being
and turn him inside out

Some say the heart is just like a wheel
When you bend it you can't mend it
And my love for you is like a sinking ship
My heart is on that ship out on mid-ocean
And it's only love and it's only love
And it's only love it is only love
And it's only love it is only love
And it's only love it is only love
What i learned from this song....
is this part... "and it's only love that can break a human being and turn him inside out"
a simple 4letter word.... L O V E...
can simply raise or break a human being...
a simple word with complicated meanings...
and it's only LOVE...

-Jezz

My thoughts during the 7 hours flight...

A day before my flight... I got to know everything i never knew before...
Shocking... The rightest word to describe what I'm feeling these few days...

Flying back to Melbourne after knowing the truth doesn't mean that I'm running away from my troubles...
That day... 20th of February... everything is ended... and I have to walk on my new life...

Singapore Airline, SQ 239 from Singapore to Melbourne... 11.40 pm... 21 Feb 2009...
Here i started to think...

almost 3 years being with you, F...
i experienced many things that i never had before...
The time i spent with you isn't much... But the memories created are many...
I'm sure that u know how hard to end this relation between u and me...

from the 1st time i knew u... a distance already separated us away...
All we did are just call, text and chat...
until that day... 9th of Sept 2007...
U asked me to be ur girlfriend... and to be ur fiance on xmas...
Life was really beautiful that time... Although a long long distance separated us, happiness came like it would never end...
As i wrote on my previous post, life isn't as smooth as we expect...
One by one, problems came and forced us to be wise in facing them...
And being wise isn't easy...
As u told me... what have happened to us, isn't my fault.. isn't ur fault... but, it's OUR FAULT...

What I realized during the flight is........
From the 1st time i knew you... until now....
I'm just a girl in your dream... A girl u always dream of...
Do u get what I mean by that??
everyone knows that u and me were engaged...
we did talk everyday...
but.... It's all just voice and text.... without my existence to be by ur side...
This made our relationship seems unreal...
U did have a fiance, but she never be by ur side coz of the distance...

I understand if u want something real...
not an unreal relationship like what we had before...
Then u found her... Who's there, near u...
Who can always be with you when you need....
And does the things i can never done for u...
who can be the place for u to show ur love, that u can never done for me...

For that... I let you go...
For your goodness... For your happiness....
Coz i know, until d end of time...
I'll just always be a girl in your dream...
Not a girl in your real life...

I'm not saying it's not hurting me...
it does hurt me deeply...
Letting a part of my life to go away...
But, I told ya... Loving isn't owning...
True love never asked for anything...
Just letting the one we love to be happy...

No matter how much it hurts me.... I just wanna see that smile on your face all the time... =)
Smile... Coz u look really good when u're smiling...

U'll always be in my heart, F....

-Jezz

a start.....

Finally, I start to write my own blog...

Actually, I have a lot of thing to type.. but, not really sure where should I start...

At first, thank to Al and Av... I dun need to mention why, but i bet they know... ^^

After all this thing happened to me... I tried to open my eyes, and see this life from a different point of view...
Life is a road... and the road isn't always smooth as we expect...
There'll be many holes for us to fall in... And once we fall into a hole, it'll be hard to get up and keep moving on that road...
I'm not talking about myself here... I'm talking about everyone, people who live...
Although we're not walking on the same road, but still... The road isn't always smooth...
Problems, troubles, sadness, sickness, etc are the holes...
Just try to think, those bad things are just a small part of this life...
a small part for us to learn how to be a better person...
a small part to remind us about God...
Falling into a hole doesn't mean it's d end of everything...
If God still gives us a new day to walk on, it means He still wants us to do something...
Means He still has a good plan for our life...

No matter how deep is the hole u fall in to...
There'll be a way to get out from there and move on...

-Jezz