[04:53 a.m]

I mentioned about changing point of view and the way of thinking before... i did train myself to do that and i think i done it well... but, when things really happened, it's hard.... really hard.... I do know what i exactly need to do... but a part of me doesn't want to accept what've happened and keeps blaming... Hmm, ya... after all, i'm still a human who also has selfishness... who can't always think about others because i have myself to think about too...

After so many thoughts, i wonder who i really am??? 

People told me that i'm just a way too tough... ya... i admit that... i know how high the protection i've put on myself so i won't get hurt easily... and now i'm tired to protect myself, remembering how much energy i've put on it... i am tired... but giving up isn't a way to solve this because i don't wanna let myself to be hurt anymore (i know how painful it could be)...

Maturity... do i really have that??? or the better question is "am i mature enough??" IDK... i dun have the answer with me... what i'm thinking now is... if only i could avoid maturity... so i could be more selfish... but, the fact.... i could not... sigh*

... and who am i to judge you from what you say or do??? ....

-Jezz


P.S. I could see how do you feel behind the songs you're listening to... 

1.2.3.4

Being sure for every decision made is extremely important... Words that are said cannot be taken back... 
On my way back home, i listened to a random Indonesian song... the lyrics was talking about doubting something... Then i thought a while whether it is true or not... It said doubt comes at last, after a decision made... it doesn't come at the beginning... it's not about doubting other people, but it's about doubting ourselves... 
I can't remember well, but the lyrics is prolly like this: "i doubt myself after i chose you... i doubt my feeling after i know i love you... bla bla bla...."
There are some sweet moments i spent with you... also moments when we were both busy with our own minds because we started to see things are getting more complicated... I guess, you've came out with the best solution... coz i was thinking the same way before... and we better stop before everything gets more and more complicated... I'm not regretting the answer i've given to you... I did think and consider that a lot before answering you... please don't be sorry... i do understand every single thing u're feeling... 
When you asked me whether you've hurt me or not... It's a no... i hope you know me well enough to understand the way i think... =)
I hate it when it's really hard for me to word things out, as i'm not really good at wording... i might choose wrong words which are not really expressing the things on my mind... and again... dun be sorry... you done nothing wrong... and lastly, there's only 1 way 2 say that 3 words 4 u... the words i've never mentioned to you before... I love you...


-Jezz

the track

It's my break time and i just had my lunch... means, i just have another 34 minutes to type things out from my mind... My brain is about to explode as there are to many things & thoughts to handle at once...


I do believe there are things out of my control... Things that might make me out of my track... 
I feel lost these days... my mood changes so fast and sudden... i avoid people talking to me... 
Mk told me this must be a "turning point" that i have to face... time when i have to open my mind and see what's real out there... time to realize things i didn't realize before... time to re-set the track... time to retreat myself...
Thousands of thoughts are on my mind... i might need some time to tide up my messy mind.. 
There are things i still need to learn to face this life journey, to be a better me... 
Plans are easy to set, but sometimes they're hard to be done...
Believing that there's nothing non-risky in this life, caused difficulties in making decisions...
and here i am... getting ready to face bigger things... setting up new track... making sure about the decisions made... and.... being prepared to take the risks....


-Jezz

nightmare [updated]

I found there is something wrong in me... seriously, i feel scared every time it passes my mind... it's not something scary actually nor something hurting, but still... my heart beats fast and i do feel scared, really scared... It's a shadow of a place i have been before... memories of what i have been done... n i dunno what i have to do...
I didn't really care about this "nightmare" before, but as the days passed, it appeared almost all the time... sigh*


Anyway, i just realized there is another thing wrong in me besides the nightmare...  It's me, myself, who suddenly doesn't want to talk to anyone in a period of time... i called it as my "anti-social mood"... don't ask me why, because i also can't tell out the reasons... at the other times, i could over talk about something to people and did regret after that... sigh*
I still need to learn many things in this life, especially in words control (i guess)... i should know how to set the limit of words to be told... n i'm learning... 


-Jezz

uniform

There is one more thought in my mind i haven't shared... finally i have a free time to type it out here... 

a long long talk about related topic this afternoon makes me keep thinking about that whole day...

back to few years ago, at the time we were still staying in the same school, wearing same uniform, studying same things... we all had 1 same purpose, to enjoy the high school life and to graduate... we did look the same in the uniform we were wearing and we did require same things in our lives...

BUT...........

as we grew up... as we chose different paths to walk on... as we are separated away... as we learn different things... as we are not longer wearing the same uniform... the differences are clearer than before... 

I can see friends are becoming far far away from me, not because of the distance, but because of different principals of life, different point of views as we're now living in different environments where we all have to adapt ourselves in... things we experienced might changed the way we look at something... It might also change the qualities we're requiring from other people (might be friends or partner or etc)... it's called as "personal standard" or "personal qualities"... the higher you set your own standard, the higher qualities you would require from people around you...

This simply happens to me... it's not i'm picky in choosing friends... i'm just kind of tired of being someone who is relied by others till i don't really know how does it feel like to rely on someone... i could say that i'm independent enough, so am i selfish for requiring someone who's at least as independent as me to be my friend or someone close to me?? so both of us do not need to rely on each others but still can share thoughts???

IDK... I'll try to find out the answer...

today's quote:

知足者常乐...

(being satisfied with what we've gained is a source of happiness)

-Jezz

My Indonesia

Let ya know, it's 1.40 am when i start typing my blog... i do complain about waking up in the mid night during weekdays, but i dun mind if it's on weekend because i found that mid night time is an inspirational time for me to express things out from my mind... =D


Okay... thinking which part of my thoughts i'm going to tell here... hmm... maybe about this country... i would like to call it "My Indonesia, Things I love and hate about this country"...
At the beginning of my study in Melbourne before, people asked about my nationality (of course, because i'm an international student)... i asked them to take a guess.. i listed out their answers: Chinese/ Singaporean/ Malaysian/ Taiwanese... I dunno how those answer came... maybe because of my look (i dun think i look that oriental), my english accent (i can't really remember how's my english accent before, some said it's like singlish - though i never felt talking in that way), or maybe because i speak chinese as well... actually, i dun really care about that, i just told them that i'm Indonesian (not really proud of saying that)...
Start from things I love about Indo then... firstly... Indo is my hometown, no doubt for that... Families and friends are here... ^^ hmm, this multi-cultural country has a lot of good food... Yes yes yes... I love eating without being scared of gaining weight... lalala... then, of course, there are many public holidays here... hahaha, i love that!!! another thing, i found myself as a lucky girl here, i dun need to do cleaning stuffs (you can hire maid without worrying about how much you have to pay, their salary is quite low), dun need to run for public transport (i drive here and keep complaining about how heavy the traffic jam could be), etc... anyway, i can say that Indo has many smart people compared to other countries (agree with me??? i realized this when i was overseas, Indonesian students are almost always smarter than others)... ah yeah, another thing, i bet almost all people around the world know MIE GORENG... LOL!!!!! This's good and i'm proud of that... =p well, i stop here, thinking what're any other reason to love this country... i would type them later if i find it... (see?? i'm not a good citizen, i can't even mention why should i love this country).............


Continue with things i hate (i bet it'll gonna be a long list)...
1. Indonesian people dunno how to queue... (i dun need to explain anything about this, u guys know it)
2. This country is not safe... (means, if u wanna be safe, do not bring anything out because you have to take a good care of them with full of attention - locking yourself in the house doesn't guarantee that u're gonna be safe as well)...
3. The space between the riches and poor is too far... seems like there is a rule here saying that the riches are going to be richer and the poor are going to be poorer.. yes, it happened here... (somewhat unfair from my point of view)
4. The number of uneducated people is higher than the educated ones... this links to point #2 i mentioned above... i heard so many people saying "when will indo be like singapore or japan or any other coutries?"... if i have a chance to answer, i would say "never, if the number of uneducated people is still high"... i'm imagining IF (and only IF) Indo has MRT system, it would surely be dirty (as most Indonesians think that everywhere is their rubbish bin - they throw rubbish everywhere), not safe, and other bad factors (i dun dare to mention all, too many)...
5. Indonesian people's hobby is watching anything they can watch... sigh* when a disaster happened in a certain place, that place might be full of people watching what's happening there... once again, watching!!! not helping... and they would say "i feel sorry for them"... WTH!! i wonder what's the point of saying that.. sympathy?? your words are just useless if you have no action to help...
6. I'm not saying all, but most people here don't know how to appreciate other people... if you live here in Indonesia, you might experienced it more than once... 
7. corruption... the funds are never 100% delivered... (i dun need to explain about this, people know it)
8. and some more....


Well, i'm not saying this country is really bad... the things i mentioned above are just some "opinions" (i better call it complains) about the country i'm staying in now... There are still a lot of things need to be improved... 
i really wish one day i could proudly say that I'm Indonesian (i can do it now, but sometimes i still feel shame for those stuffs i mentioned)... I was born here, grew up here, and i wish i could be really proud of being an Indonesian... 
If we're, Indonesians, do not start to build this country to be more advance... when will we be proud of our own country???


"... Indonesia pusaka... Indonesia tercinta... Nusa bangsa dan bahasa kita bela bersama...."


-Jezz

Airport early in the morning

I went to airport at 4.30 this morning with my bro to send my parents.. they're going back to hometown...
Dark still covered the sky and the airport light were still turned on... I would say, i love this sensation.. it's been a while since the latest time i saw that kind of view and felt that sensation... it was at the time i went to Melbourne airport for flying back to Indo (i always take mid night flight) - march 2009...


Anw, i'm not going to office today.. having flu, almost fever... i think it might because of my unwell condition before + my killing insomnia these few nights... but, it's good to have a day to rest at home since there is nothing to do at the office as well...


Alright, i have no more to type (i do have, but seems it's hard to type long words in the morning - i prefer to type them when the sky's still dark)..
Have a good day everyone... =D


-Jezz 

insomnia!!

Aaaaarrrgggghhhh...

What's happening to me??!!! @#&@(*&$)@

It's been a week i keep being like this... i sleep early (not that early, it's around 10 or 11) and wake up in the mid night... sigh* sigh* sigh* (stop complaining Jess!!!)

I seriously need my beauty sleep which i could wake up early in the morning (EARLY IN THE MORNING, not early at mid night >,<)... another SIGH*

Okay... enough for complaining... i got some thoughts on my mind that i haven't shared out... i dun think i'm going to type it all out at once here... i'll take this one first...

a serious talk between Dj, Al and me... (in different conversation - i can't really talk much serious things in conference - i'm the one who always lost)

i spent yesterday morning-noon keeping silent in front of my computer at the office (well, i'm quite free this week since China is having their national holiday - no report to do)... Thinking about limitations we're having... Dj & Al, i know both of you are trying to make things work, planning for a better ways (i'm not included in your conversation about this - i knew it from one on one conversation)... and seems everything isn't as easy as it's said and isn't as easy as it's planned... we tried to help each others, but this limitations of ours do not allow us to do more... i know i'm doing quite well here in Jakarta and there is no such reason to complain about what i'm having now... but still, i really wish i could be there (wherever you guys are) and do things together so life can be easier... though i can't help much, at least u're not alone (if my existence around you is good enough)...

Al & Dj... 3 of us are separated in 3 different continents before (and now it's 3 different countries in 2 continents)... we experience different things that make our lives seems much harder than the passed 4 years (when we were all still staying in a same town, studying the same things)... but, don't two of you realize, this complicated lives make us stay even closer than before though we're faraway, forced us to open up our minds to be wider??? i know we can't do much things now, remembering the limitations we have, but be sure, one day, we'll make it... i trained myself to look at something in a different way, then try to believe there will be an AWESOME factor in every worst condition we're having... it just depends on ourselves, how do we look at it, how do we think about it, and how do we face it... then there will be a way out... 

I just wanna share to you what i'm thinking about here, because i don't think i can say it out well during the conversation we usually have... Al & Dj, believe in yourselves... If i can trust the two of you, why can't you guys trust your own selves and abilities???

I love you and I miss you, guys... i'm looking forward too see both of you by the end of this year... =D

"...as we go on, we remember all the times we had together... and as our lives change from whatever, we will still be friends forever..."

-Jezz

how a friend supposed to be??

i don't really understand what do others think about how a friendship supposed to be...
to be honest, sometimes i feel really really (or i can say extremely) disappointed with those who i assume as my best friends... it seems like i'm always be the one who has the initiate to contact them first, put them on priority... and found they never searched for me if i'm not searching for them... on the other hand, i feel like i'm being left behind (some of them got new friends around them & almost got no time for me - maybe they think that i'm boring, coz i can't really catch what they used to talk about - hell yea, i just live in this city for 6 months with no friends around me, so how to know what they've been up to)...
i tried to look back at myself... about the way i treat my friends... i do have new friends... but, do i leave all the old friends behind??? do i stop contacting my old friends??? i'm busy with my work... n just have my weekend to hang out... then, sometimes i ask a friend to go out with me just for lunch and talk... means, i'm not forgetting my friends...   if i complain that they're too busy to talk to me, am i selfish?? coz i'm busy as well, but i still set some times to talk to my friends, though i have to stay late at night... 
IDK how important is myself for you... 
IDK whether i'm a good friend or not...
and please tell me how a friend supposed to be??? 


-Jezz

...randomize...

"what is that sad looking your eyes? why are you crying? tell me now, tell me now, tell me why are you feeling this way... I hate to see you so down..."

"I might not beside you everyday... i may ran out of tender words to say... can't promise you the world..."
"it's only words and words are all i have to take your heart away..."

"fly me up to where you are beyond this distant star.. i wish upon tonight to see you smile... if only for awhile to know you're there... a breath away's not far to where you are..."

"but if i let you go, how will i ever know what my life would be holding you close to me? will i ever see you smiling back at me?? how will i know if i let you go?"

"how can i be smiling when you're gone?"

"so tell that someone that you love just what you're thinking of if tomorrow never comes..."

"if you just realize what i've just realized..."

"there's something in the way you look at me..."

"for every minute of this life that i'm breathing, until there's nothing in this life i can believe in... as long there's a single part of you that needs me..."

"I'll be there to comfort you... build my world of dreams around you..."

above are just some random lyrics i arranged... not perfect yet, remembering it's Monday 2:45 am now.. i tried to sleep, but it's useless... so, i just do whatever i can do here, hoping that my eyes will be closed and my brain stops working soon, so i can just sleep... 

i can't really explain why did i arrange those lyrics, coz myself doesn't know as well.... i think i'm going to add some more there later to make it better... ^^

Reference:

- Tell Me Where It Hurts (MYMP)

- For Everything I Am (Christian Bautista)
- Words (Boyzone)

- To Where You Are (Josh Groban)
- If I Let You Go (Westlife)

- Say It Isn't So (Gareth Gates)

- If Tomorrow Never Comes (Ronan Keating)

- Realize (Colbie Caillat)

- The Way You Look At Me (Christian Bautista)

- Completely (Christian Bautista)

- I'll Be There (Jackson Five)

at last...

"and I'm so sick of love songs..." (So Sick - Ne Yo)

-Jezz

[iwishicouldtellu]

I accidentally typed a random phrase on my Skype status... "[iwishicouldtellu]"
2 people asked me who is the "u" there and what i'm wishing to tell... IDK, that phrase was just popped out on my mind and i typed it... maybe, (just maybe) i think about too many thing these days, emo-ing by myself, being too sensitive, and others weird actions... and there are many thoughts i want to share, but i couldn't say it out... 
I tell ya, being too emotional about something is really annoying... especially when others start to talk to you and you don't feel like talking about anything, but you are forced to talk... (i'm wondering what kind of English i'm typing here, it's getting worse >,<)


i wish i could tell you....
i wish i could tell you how empty my life is without you around me, my friends...
i wish i could tell you what i'm feeling inside...
i wish i could tell you how much i miss you...
i wish i could tell you how much joy and happiness you bring to me...
i wish i could tell you that i wanna be there, wherever you are...
i wish i could tell you that i'm really want to spend more times with you...
i wish i could tell you how precious you are to me...
i wish i could tell you if i really want to hold you...
i wish i could tell you that i'm looking forward to see you...
i wish i could tell you that i enjoy the time we shared in messengers...
i wish i could tell you that i do care about you...
i wish i could...
如果你给我一个机会告诉你...


-Jezz

...weirdo...

Happy October everyone...
I thought of continuing my previous post, but i'm not really in the mood for that topic at the moment...
I'm asking myself about what's happening to me.. i can see that i'd became so emotional these few days... sigh* 


i listed out reasons... 
first, over workload... i stayed overtime almost everyday, even went to office at weekend... and i'm sick of those stuffs... though my lab manager told me that i'm an admin manager to be in 2-3 months, it doesn't sound interesting for me... i can imagine how stressful i can be if i'm in that position... but, who doesn't wanna be a manager??? 
second, jealousy... i mentioned it as jealousy... i'm jealous with my friends who are still in university, stressing out with assignments and exams, but have friends around them... i do realize that there is no such point to be jealous with those stuffs, because i'm graduated and i have a "good" job + salary (people said that)... it must be others who are jealous about what i achieved... everything you see is just a cover of me... inside, i'm just a little lonely girl, with no friends around me (my best friends are far far away, separated by oceans and continents)...
third, i'm tired... i used to be too tough and too independent this whole year... and guess what, it's tiring... sometimes i hope i can find someone i can really trust to handle stuffs... but this perfectionist jess doesn't dare to rely on anyone... it's not that none is able to do that, or none is qualified... it's just myself... i do really know how well i can handle things... and whenever i think about my abilities, i will just handle everything by myself... so, i can't blame anyone for this case, because it's my own fault... and seriously, i'm really tired... 
forth, i don't cry... i'm such a frozen hearted girl right now (i mentioned it before), but it doesn't mean i'm heartless... i don't cry for small simple stuffs... latest time i cry is when i was having a fight with a best friend of mine... sometimes i keep everything inside... when something bother me, i try my best not to cry... i just went out somewhere or play random song with my PSR like an autism... i think this's one of the reason my eyes get so dry, besides looking too much to the computer screen (i spent almost whole day sitting in front of my PC/laptop)...


Mk, sorry for being too emotional last night... sorry for cannot answering the question "what's happening with u?".. because myself can't really mention it... maybe one of those reasons i typed above... or maybe another reason i dunno what...


I should prepare to go... hopefully i can find out the reason...


-Jezz